Trust?

I have a cat. As anyone who’s ever had or been around a cat knows, they are amazing little creatures that can make your days better and give you purpose. They can also be psychotic maniacs. Sometimes they’re both. My cat has grown to love to be held. She didn’t like it at first but I kept insisting and now she comes to me to be picked up. Although now that I’m writing this she may be doing this because she knows I love it. Regardless, she’ll stay in my arms for long periods of time purring into my ear.

Well I guess the conditions weren’t perfect this time because not long after I had picked her up, she lunged and bit at my face. She didn’t bite hard and didn’t draw blood but it did hurt a little and scared me quite a bit. I left her be for a while because she was clearly agitated. The next time she came to me to be held I just couldn’t do it.

I kept thinking about her teeth coming at my eyes and started feeling very anxious. She acknowledged I wasn’t going to hold her and left. This was weighing on me. This cat means the world to me and I love that she trusts me to hold her so close. I didn’t want to lose that. So, the next time she came to me, I picked her up.

I was anxious and scared, I kept turning my face a little and was prepared the whole time to be bitten again. But she didn’t bite. Who knows why she did the first time, but the more I thought about it the more I realized she could’ve hurt me if she wanted to, but she didn’t.

She gave me a warning. It scared me, but she didn’t hurt me. Maybe I was doing something she didn’t like and I had no idea so that was her way of showing me. But she didn’t hurt me, not badly at least. And even if she had, do I really want to go on not holding her close like I want to? Of course not.

Sometimes it’s scary to trust again once you’ve been hurt (I know in this case some might think this is such a small thing but I think this can apply to pretty much any situation). But if I don’t trust her again, how can I hold her close? How can I feel that warmth in my heart knowing she loves me as much as I love her?

Sometimes we hurt the ones we love, it happens. But it doesn’t mean we don’t love them, pain is a part of life. A saying I read recently goes “Without darkness we would never know light.” Maybe in everything there’s the good and the bad. Maybe we need both.