Sometimes, Even I Don’t Understand my Feelings
Every week I treat myself to an açaí bowl, it’s not a cheap treat but it could be worse, and I go to this little strip to get it with a parking garage attached to the back. It’s usually a fee-for-parking garage but if you’re only parking for I believe less than 10-15 minutes, it’s free. They enforce this with gates at both entrances where you get a ticket that you have to put through on your way out so that you pay the required fee based on how long you were parked.
One entrance has a booth for an attendant to be in usually for more crowded days and just general maintenance. However she’s usually there when I pull in because it’s always the same time of day. Now my anxious self loves it when I can get in and out of a place with as little human interaction as possible. I really hate small talk and other niceties that are expected in brief exchanges. I’m never rude to anybody, I’ll always smile and do the small talk if they initiate it. But I do like when I can avoid it.
Thankfully the attendant tends to just give me a brief smile and a wave, but even this can make me feel anxious because I worry she’s expecting more of a conversation. I do always reciprocate though.
The last two times I pulled in though, she wasn’t in the booth. One of the times, I saw her elsewhere in the garage doing something else, so I know she’s alright. But it was strange because both times she wasn’t there I actually missed her. It really surprised me that I felt this way.
You’d think I’d be relieved and even I had thought I’d be relieved, but no. I felt a small twinge of sadness that she wasn’t there to greet me with our small gesture of a short wave and slight smile. And I think this is such a great example of how unnecessary anxiety can interfere with everyday life.
Once the stress of the possibility of an interaction didn’t exist, it allowed me to think and maybe even feel clearly. Since then, I’ve been hoping to see her in the booth now, even if I still feel a little anxious. I’ll still just give a little smile and wave but maybe now it’ll be more for my enjoyment than out of obligation.